Death of a Sister

No...it doesn't get easier...despite the passage of years...16 now.   This day my sister went for her morning swim at Marian's swimming pool Dublin.  At 48 years old, a former International swimmer she still competed in Masters swim meets.  She loved swimming and that morning made everyone in the pool stop to look at the morning sunshine as the sun rose.

I lived in England.  I had a call from my oldest sister that Louise was unwell.  I said "I'll phone her"...I never did.  It just went clean out of my mind and well...I had no idea this was going to be her last day on earth.  'unwell' can mean anything...can't it? It's my saddest regret.

But she grew very unwell as the day passed and a neighbour called an ambulance.  in the local hospital, and believe me it WAS a 'local' hospital, not one of the bigger Dublin hospitals, they could not figure out what the hell was going on.  Her bloods were haywire, she herself was 'haywire'. Thrashing and frightened.  'Don't let me die' she appealed, to her brother-in-law she said in the lift to intensive care, together with Ann , my twin, "Brian, you'll make sure they'll look after me", "yes, Louise, of course"... within the hour...she was dead. Sadly now, so too is my dear Brother-in-law. In both cases.  Nothing could be done.

Louise died of a rare rupture of a rare adrenal tumour. a 'silent' nasty. She did not know she had. In rupturing adrenaline, nor-adrenaline and cortisone flooded her system, speeding up her heart and no way of controlling the huge amounts of these hormones which filled her veins and destroyed her heart and life.

and as she died I was having a meal with a friend, laughing, joking, enjoying myself.  I arrived home to the phone ringing...9pm.  I dashed to get it before it stopped. Louise had 'passed on', said my niece.  I could not understand this, "what, what"....'Louise had died'. In fact I knew the minute before as Ann my twin said "hang on Margaret I'll give you to Katie, someone is coming to speak to us..." then I heard an almighty scream.  Ann, collapsing in anguish.

Since that day, I've missed her, loved her and thought about her.  That sister, who was so misunderstood, so unknowable, so secret in her living. That when she died, I had no idea who she REALLY was. Who were her friends?  What did she do/ who did she love/ who did she hate/  who was Louise.

But never mind...there was one thing I knew, I knew her heart, I knew she loved her parents. I knew she was a wounded soul.  I knew she loved teaching, I knew she loved disabled children....I knew a lot.  But I never talked with her, not really...so now I mourn still, because I never really 'connected', and I miss that.  But I loved her.  I miss her and I wish she was hear still.

And today...I will remember her.  That lost soul...who could not 'connect'... but hurt and tried.