Pope Francis visits Ireland - I won't be there

I won't be there...

The pope's coming visit prompts me to write. I learn that his visit is to cost close to 32m euro, with the state up-fronting 20m. That's US, by the way, Tax payers money.

We have a housing crises, a heath service collapsing and we are spending millions on a wee visit from the Pope,

I am disabled with a neuromuscular degenerative disease. essentially I am 'dying'.

My life is limited now in years. the HSE apparently cannot afford to get me a special bed to sleep in.

Cannot afford to give me a decent 'support in the home' package (I'm severely struggling),

Cannot afford to give me physiotherapy/hydrotherapy that would relieve morphine needed severe, agonising pain.

The HSE Cannot do anything but call me (and twin - same disease) 'serial complainers' and say no to all basic services.

I am to die unsupported. Rejected. As all sick, disabled and older people are.

I've experienced that before...

This Pope will eat up our money - desperately needed by sick, older, disabled Irish Citizens.

32million euro would heal so many who need care and love and support. yet we spend it on a sickening jamboree in the Phoenix park.  

I have worked for years supporting clergy sexual abuse survivors. My 'record' with the Church and Pope

picture: Myself, far left front. shortly before I 'broke free' of cordon and 'legged it to St Peters. Many protesters were Italian Deaf people. sexually abused in a Deaf school in Verona.

has been volatile to say the least. I was once 'detained' in St Peters Square by Italian police along with Brendan Butler of 'We are Church' for several hours - our 'crime' ? Just being in St Peters square as we 'broke free' of a cordon corralling survivors of abuse, to stop us going into St Peters Square,  and 'legged' it (Brendan pushing my wheelchair with me shouting 'Go, go, go' . (They did not think a cripple would be a 'protester'!)  to St Peters, whereupon we were pounced on. Passports taken. Waited hours for their return, surrounded by armed police in freezing cold. I was in my wheelchair.

it caused a diplomatic incident with the Irish embassy involved. It was written up in the Irish Times:

https://www.google.ie/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=2&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=2ahUKEwiivLDMk_HcAhWhxIUKHTO8AA4QFjABegQICBAB&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.irishtimes.com%2Fnews%2Firish-abuse-protesters-complain-at-treatment-by-vatican-police-1.671250&usg=AOvVaw37D5bNt7UtzO3pTnLdpnFi

The vigil in Rome : survivors of clergy sexual abuse.

When, in 2010, Pope Benedict visited London, UK, I was there. I lived in London for over 40 years (now live in Ireland) and had founded a clergy sexual abuse group MACSAS. It's still running and supports clergy sexual abuse survivors of all denominations.

During the Pope's visit we held conferences and press meetings. we demonstrated.

Snap USA & MACSAS UK demonstrate outside Westminster Cathedral London. self wheelchair

 

We shared our stories and the press heard.
 

me sharing the victims of clergy abuse stories - London 2010 my hand rests lovingly on the Survivors book.

We also asked to meet Pope Benedict to hand over a book of survivors stories, beautifully made and  bound by a Catholic abuse survivor.
 

The survivors book of evidence. The ribbons we wore. 'Truth, Accountability, Justice'

We asked the  Archbishop of London; Vincent Nichols, to facilitate us handing it over as our 'gift'. Our voice, our pain and suffering.

 He refused to allow us meet the Pope personally, but agreed to give the book to the Pope himself.

We declined. If we were to be prevented from handing the book over ourselves no-one else would.

We asked the Papal Nuncio to facilitate the meeting, he refused. We asked the Catholic Church's 'safeguarding' committee to facilitate the meeting...refused.

We were banned utterly and completely from meeting Pope Benedict. We were not welcome. the rebuff/rejection was keenly felt. No bridging of any harm was made. No acceptance, no love... 

In the event,  some other survivors actually did meet the Pope? Carefully hand picked 'safe' victims, carefully 'stage-managed'.  They did not come from our very vocal MACSAS organisation, no...only the shy, powerless, 'nice' survivors who would 'keep the secret' of the meeting and say the right thing afterwards! Survivors who would not 'rock the boat'.

We, vocal survivors were viewed as 'unhealed', 'disturbed', 'unforgiving', 'unloving' (of the Church). I believe we were authentic Christians. Following Jesus who rid the temples of the money-changers. Jesus was all for Justice. Our call was a Jesus call. No less.

We would not give up, we decided to bring the Survivors book to Westminster Abbey, to stand at the railings and try to give it to Benedict as he passed. It was a slim chance! Well, no, it probably was a hopeless chance - but we tried.

Arriving at the barriers, I, in my wheelchair was abused and accosted by young (and not so young) rabid Catholic 'opus dei' types, dressed in 'I love the Pope' t-shirts, and black leather jackets, who, on finding out what I was trying to do, proceeded to physically cut me off from the front space I had found, by forcibly getting in front of me to block me from the barriers.

When I protested and was helped to stand on my wheelchair (unsuccessfully - rather dangerous, I have to say, but I was a messenger, I was certainly not giving up) I was threatened by a police man with arrest. I sat down!

These 'Catholics' screamed at me "the pope has apologised, what more do you want" . As if 'apology' would heal the pain, suffering. As if 'apology' would be all that was needed.

For us we wanted the 'Truth' to be exposed, files hidden - opened - priests hidden brought to 'Justice'. We wanted 'Accountability'. nothing less.

'Apology' is mere window dressing. meaningless without action, change and survivors honoured, believed, supported.  

These angry Catholic's entrenched, with almost cult-like devotion was scary to behold. The Pope was 'God'. They adored him.

I was to them, an anti-Christ, an evil to be shunted into obscurity. I confess that the brutality of their 'Catholicism' rendered me crying and terrified. I was 'rescued by a radio crew who had wanted to interview me and I gave my interview in tears.

I was truly shaken. I'd never experienced such violence from Christians. I could not understand it. Did not expect it.

An iconic photograph was taken of me holding 'The Book' up in the air , I decided to 'offer the book to God' symbolically. The Pope was never going to 'accept it'.

 

The man beside me (first pic) was terrifying! Leather clad 'stazi Catholics in front of me! Scary.

'

 

Then I gave the book a hug and 'told' the victims of clergy sexual abuse I honoured them if the Church did not!

I was shocked by the 'lack of love'. Shocked by the rejection of all those victims of clergy sexual abuse who'd contributed to the book. There was even a video inside, of a Deaf Man signing. He'd been sexually abused by the Catholic chaplain at his deaf school in Boston Spa.  

I was distraught I had failed to hand it over . I had failed to get their voices heard.

After the radio interview, a male survivor who had been handing out leaflets elsewhere came up to me and declared "Margaret, People spat at us, screamed at us, attacked us, told us to go away".

HE was visibly shaking too. A most gentle person, brutally abused by clergy in Australia, as a child - he didn't deserve this.

 

He is custodian now of the book. In his 70's, he is a very ill man. But he guards the book - with deep love. 

 

We left. We saw the Pope, we saw the adulation, the pomp, the celebrations. We had nothing to celebrate.

 

we had been attacked, vilified, spat upon, shoved away from the railings,  rejected by Our Church (yes we were Catholics) we were 'persona non gratia'

We were rejected. It was made clear to us that OUR VOICE was not welcome. we disturbed the Christian charade!

So what of Dublin, in the Phoenix Park? Will I be there? No.

Why should I be there? I left the Catholic Church years ago (but not God/Jesus - I'm a committed Christian - follower of Jesus),

I left over child sexual abuse by clergy, and over clergy who exploit sexually women - adults - who sought pastoral care, spiritual direction and help and were then molested. The Church called it an 'affair'. The women called it rape, abuse, exploitation.

 

Many were nuns. Cowed, bowed, bleeding in their habits of shame.

Abuse of adult women by clergy is not nearly uncovered, spoken about, acknowledged but it was my doctoral research topic.

65 women told me their experiences (I was in touch with 200) - what I heard was evil personified wearing the clerical collar. Protected by the Church.

 

My thesis was entitled: 'The Well from Which we drink is poisoned'.

 

I left the Church where we were not welcome. I left the Church as Bishop after Bishop was found to have 'covered up', allowed sex offender clergy new pastures, new ministries, where no-one would find out who they actually were. Left children and women at the mercy of sexual predators. They did not care about them. only their priests.

I left after I discovered Africa was the church's dumping ground for their sex offender priests. A racist decision, to destroy also the black children of God.

 

I left over the torture and misery created by both clergy sexual abuse and the Church's disgraceful responses.  

 

I cannot 'belong' to a church that betrays those they profess to love and support. This is NOT the 'Church of Jesus'.

I cannot be part of evil. I cannot be a hypocrite.

 

I love too much - survivors of clergy sexual abuse, both child victims and adult victims and God.

 

Whatever their nationality, whatever their colour, whatever their position. Those poor, male, female, British, Irish, African, Deaf , disabled, sick, all victims of this evil.  I care deeply for them.

 

I find this visit to Ireland by Pope Francis stirs up in me the deep horror I felt at the railings of Westminster, where I was attacked by allegedly 'devout Catholics'.

 

It is that cult-like devotion I fear. Where tacky coins, plates, mugs, ribbons, flags and 32million Euro will mark a Pope's visit but ignore victims destroyed by the collared ones.

 

Where state and church which Ignores the perilous position of Irish homelessness and dire health services and squander 31m euro on a 'party in the park',  A 'party' the Pope can well afford.

I am not going to be part of that again. Its not the Jesus I know.

I won't be there.
--

"your disease is progressive"

In my 40's I knew something was 'wrong' when I could not walk easily down the platform of King Cross Train Station in London. Wondering why my legs felt 'heavy', why putting one foot in front of the other felt like walking through treacle. I also felt exhausted most of the time.

Doctors were baffled. I started using a wheelchair in 2006. And doctors wondered why. "Why are you in THAT?" my UK neurologist once said. I told him; "I can't walk".  He hadn't seen me trying to get from the 30 bus in Holborn to the National Hospital for Neurology & Neurosurgery.

In 2009 I graduated PhD in a wheelchair!

I couldn't walk. and he was disbelieving and hurtful.

I was 'shaking', so Parkinson's was diagnosed (by two neurologists in London) but the weakness of walking was dismissed. My wheelchair seen as, probably, 'not needed'.

My walking 'truth' was ignored, was denied, was dismissed. Right up until and including 2017 when an Irish neurologist wrote to a new neurologist that he had seen no progression /deterioration of my disease in the 6 years he had me as his patient!

Interestingly others had!  My physiotherapist had to write twice to plead that I get help. He witnessed my stumbling, near falls, I had had some serious falls, my inability to negotiate my house.

He wrote to my GP who dismissed it as he had seen my neurologists referral letter and chose to believe the neurologist. The physiotherapist wrote to my new neurologist. I had to insist my GP write to my new neurologist also, on the threat of me going to a solicitor if he didn't and I fell and injured myself. He wrote.

Yet in the time the Irish neurologist was my consultant , two muscle biopsies (2012 & 2014 in London) had proven I had Muscle myopathy as well as Parkinsonism, dystonia and an energy disease (CPEX test).

His referral letter was the most devastating doctors letter I'd ever seen.
I was shocked, astounded, numb.

As I increasingly struggled to walk, my neurologist declared he'd seen 'no deterioration'. I, had tried to convey my 'deterioration' , in my last consultation I had said "everything is worse" - I was totally not heard. Which is finally when I realised I needed to leave him.

The pain of that denial of my reality rendered me a 'jelly' of depression, lacking confidence and disbelieving my own reality. I've had to battle emotionally, psychologically to hold on to my 'truth', my 'power', my 'knowledge'. I CANNOT WALK.

This neurologist  ignored UK consultant specialists
He ignored skilled assessments
He disbelieved my reports of continual difficulties.

He even ignored the OBJECTIVE muscle biopsy which in fact proved I had

 

 'Muscle Myopathy' a degeneration of muscles. a DISEASE of my muscles.
 

Seen under a microscope.

He made me feel as if I was going mad. Was making it up. Fabricating. Exaggerating  He was telling me I had blond hair, just as I was telling him I had brown hair!

That's 'madness making'. Its insane making.

And everyone BELIEVES neurologists.

No-one believes the patient.

and who else knows he also ignored the objective tests done in the UK?

No matter how many 'reports' you have, tests results you have, opinions you have, if the lead consultant (or GP)  has an 'idea'  (particularly here in Ireland where misogyny of male consultants is especially pernicious) his, and only his, 'idea' holds sway.  You as a woman, low on the scale of 'belief', are up a river without a canoe or a paddle!

I've laboured for over 20 years with a progressive neuro-muscular disease and my biggest enemy has been one male Irish neurologist in Dublin.  

He was a neurologist from hell.

And I will say that. I will say my 'truth'. why should I keep it a 'secret'?

The additional suffering this neurologist caused has been on the scale of torture. Abuse. Neglect and totally unprofessional.

He devastated 6 years of my life.

Proof!

A film taken from you tube - similar to my test yesterday- I had a lot more wires and 'things' stuck on my legs.

 

Yesterday my TRUTH was validated. Visually, professionally and alarmingly. Through a skilled 'gait analysis' physiotherapist, with a PhD, at the Gait Lab in Central Remedial Clinic (CRC), Clontarf.

I was examined, I was filmed walking. I was filmed walking with all sorts of wires and contraptions stuck to my legs, and wearing a jacket holding more wires and contraptions.

I've had a gait analysis once a year for the last three years. 2016, 2017, 2018. What did it prove? what has it proven?

"my disease is progressive".

 

"I've got worse"

 

"I am not mad" 

I was shown all three videos from 2016-2018. I was shocked, appalled to see my deterioration. It was patently evident.

As the wonderful Dr C said; "we've demonstrated what we needed to demonstrate" .

Yes, we have...and NO Neurologist can dispute it. NONE!

I am unable to walk...period! 

I am a wheelchair user and will be until I die.  

 

Having my wheelchair adjusted to account for my dystonic inverted left leg and foot

 

No-one should endure what I've endured in Ireland since I returned here in 2010. Its been an utter medical nightmare.